Here’s Joan River’s ill-advised appearance at the now infamous 2009 Royal Variety Performance.

Things weren’t going well from the start, with audible tuts being heard from the Royal Box every time Ms. Rivers reeled out her hackneyed catchphrase. It was only when she told a joke about Gwyneth Paltrow being named the most beautiful this year, because she got Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder to vote, that the Queen broke her silence.

“For God’s sake woman… Can One Talk?” she blasted, “You’ve used that bladdy punch line so many times – you just change the set-up!”

The Queen then rose and stared menacingly at Rivers adding, “Don’t you ever write any new material? 300 years in this business and you have 4 jokes in your repertoire – and three of them are about Cher. I’m the bladdy Queen, this is my show, and I expect you lot to make the effort to entertain me!”

Ms. Rivers was ordered to be beheaded, but after several hours of sawing and chopping, they realised that the level of cosmetic surgery she’d had to reinforce her rotting frame made dismemberment impossible. To this day she remains chained and weighted at the bottom of the River Thames next to Jason Voorhees from the Friday the 13th Films.