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Infamous 2009 Royal Variety Performances 1

MBored Posted on Sun, February 16, 2014 16:50:24

Here’s Johnny Depp’s ill-advised appearance at the now infamous 2009 Royal Variety Performance.

Booked to do a quick link and introduce the Pilobolus Dancers, he seemed to drop a hint about his new Tim Burton movie ‘Homepride’ based on the bowler hatted characters from the flour adverts. That’s when the Queen became vocal.

“How dare you” she thundered. “This isn’t the forum to be hawking your cheap shoddy wears! And another thing…Don’t you make films without a …British Accent these days? I’m the Queen and I’m in charge of English words, and I say it’s a travesty that your kind is shamelessly mangling my dialect. You’re a hair’s breadth away from Dick Van Dyke and it turns my stomach.”

The Queen then ordered her manservant to spit in the direction of the visibly crushed Depp. “And further more – you totally ruined that sketch on The Fast Show” she added. “I’ll tell you what will suit you sir” she quipped, “A beheading!”

Johnny Depp was later executed publically in Fleet Street, 1936.



Infamous 2009 Royal Variety Performances 2

MBored Posted on Sun, February 16, 2014 16:48:54

Here’s Jimmy Carr from the now infamous 2009 Royal Variety Performance.

All was going well for the dead-eyed monotone gag-smith, and Prince Philip was seen to be in rapturous laughter at his jokes about the disabled and ethnic minorities.

Unfortunately the air was turned sour, when his manservant quietly informed him that Mr. Carr’s comedy output was ‘ironic’, and that even though his act seemed to be identical to Jim Davidson’s, he was in fact the host of one of those late night political satire shows on Channel Four.

Obviously disgusted at being made to look a fool by a lefty, he hurled his swan and guinea fowl kebab straight at the honking head of his outrage. Mr. Carr was later beheaded, stuffed and hung proudly on the wall next to a tastefully mounted panda cub head in the Duke’s private collection.



Infamous 2009 Royal Variety Performances 3

MBored Posted on Sun, February 16, 2014 16:47:12

Here’s Joan River’s ill-advised appearance at the now infamous 2009 Royal Variety Performance.

Things weren’t going well from the start, with audible tuts being heard from the Royal Box every time Ms. Rivers reeled out her hackneyed catchphrase. It was only when she told a joke about Gwyneth Paltrow being named the most beautiful this year, because she got Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder to vote, that the Queen broke her silence.

“For God’s sake woman… Can One Talk?” she blasted, “You’ve used that bladdy punch line so many times – you just change the set-up!”

The Queen then rose and stared menacingly at Rivers adding, “Don’t you ever write any new material? 300 years in this business and you have 4 jokes in your repertoire – and three of them are about Cher. I’m the bladdy Queen, this is my show, and I expect you lot to make the effort to entertain me!”

Ms. Rivers was ordered to be beheaded, but after several hours of sawing and chopping, they realised that the level of cosmetic surgery she’d had to reinforce her rotting frame made dismemberment impossible. To this day she remains chained and weighted at the bottom of the River Thames next to Jason Voorhees from the Friday the 13th Films.



Infamous 2009 Royal Variety Performances 4

MBored Posted on Sun, February 16, 2014 16:45:39

Here’s Noel Fielding’s ill-advised appearance at the now infamous 2009 Royal Variety Performance.

The Queen (who is known to hate all forms of animal whimsy after one of her corgis was hijacked and driven full speed into St. Paul’s Cathedral by a gang of disenfranchised diabetic walruses wearing basques) grew tired of his act quite quickly, bellowing at the stage ‘One does not find your lazy juxtapositioning of wildlife with random foodstuffs amusing, so stick your pepperoni penguins up your Shoreditch arse!’

She then passed a law that made it illegal to give animals surnames in comedy routines, beheaded Fielding with an axe made from cauliflower tears and sprinted off in the direction of Balmoral.